![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Wow I had more to say than I thought haha (on Astoria Malfoy and fandom)
So I've gone back and picked the second fic to post. I posted two parts of it and then just...failed to post the rest (it's a five times fic). I THOUGHT I had finished it but actually part 5 is pretty unpolished, so going back and working through it is going to be tricky. (It's, uh, 45 pages long on google docs. So it's a decent five times fic, and I'm excited to actually finish and post even if it isn't perfect.)
So, the fic was my backup for AstoriaFest, a completely failed fest I tried to run. My original idea was to have something posted every day in August 2019, which was the last month Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy was probably alive in the "canon" of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. I also had a one-shot prepared, and I had two rec posts, so the idea was that I had eight backup posts so if someone backed out or failed to post on their day, I could step in.
Two things went super wrong and then I basically just...failed at the fest. And yeah, it's been three years and I haven't gotten back to fix the situation.
First, Cursed Child has actually been a pretty toxic fandom for me. I'm sure Torchwood was toxic for a lot of people, but I had such a wonderful time in that fandom. I met people, I went to Dragon*con, I read some really amaaaaaazing fic and if you knew to avoid the anti-Gwen spaces, it was actually a great fandom to absorb messages about fandom and life; you're responsible for policing your own content, sexy fics can be fun, kinks are more varied than you think and that's okay, stuff like that. But my favorite thing about Torchwood is that it went dark. I mean, so dark. I read some really dark stuff and I found that I kind of enjoyed the darkness of fic sometimes. Not all of it, I have some squicks, but my anxiety was a lot better back then so clicking "back" was not a problem. I loved that fiction could explore all sorts of dark, angsty, miserable stuff. And I LOVED how the fandom was totally fine with the idea that exploring in fic was fine! There were approx. 80000 different varieties of ideas about the Cyberwoman episode. And they were all great. And Torchwood was like, yeah, sure, have fun, it's fic!
And then I got to Cursed Child and I found a fandom that kind of...policed fluffiness?
Like, not everyone in the fandom, obviously. But a lot of the big players on tumblr (I struggle with tumblr, but I just can't manage twitter) were like "no unhappiness only fluff!" And there was a basic insistence on ONLY accepting Albus Potter/Scorpius Malfoy as the main ship. And all of them would have one "headcanon" and it was like there was no space for multiple headcanons. You had ONE vision for these characters, and it had to be happy, and it had to be Scorbus.
And most of all, for me, was that a few fans insisted on this, IDK, ~idea~ that Astoria Malfoy Never Died.
And like, Astoria's death is an important part of the play. It is a cornerstone of Draco's character and a big big part of Scorpius' character. Her death is brought up four times in the play, by my off-the-top-of-my-head count! And there is SO much soft earth for a fandom to dig. What was Astoria like? What did Draco see in her? How was she as a mother? How did she live knowing she was sickly and destined to die young (according to the play!) Who was she as a person outside of her husband and son??
One of the reasons I started the fest was that I wanted to explore that within the context of her death. It's a bit dark, but it doesn't have to be! The fic and art I saved to rec was quite soft! I wanted a variety of submissions, and I wouldn't have rejected anyone for submitting anything that ignored her death, even if it was the point of the fest! I just wanted to encourage more discussion about Astoria, because I felt that discussion around her had sort of....stagnated?
And due to the weird nature of this fandom, where I met people at stage door all the time, I was actually friendly with two "BNFs" on tumblr. Like both of them were mostly fluffy people, but I thought as a minor favor, they might just reblog the announcement post? Or something?
And no, they turned me down. One quite abruptly, one quite kindly. But another person in the fandom, CLEARLY in response to my fest, make the "Drastoria Fest" which was like, let's talk about Draco and Astoria as a couple and pretend she didn't die. It felt like more mandatory fluff. And I can't lie, it hurt, a lot. I asked her why she did it and she was AFFRONTED that I would assume it was a reaction to my fest.
I'm not great at this stuff. I've always been a lurker/one-shot writer in fandom. I've never been good at running things or being part of bigger stuff. I never really let myself allow fandom to be big enough to take time from school/employment, so this was a big big deal for me to try and run a fest. And I wanted so badly for it to be a success. I tried to have my fics ready to go, and I, in my anxious disorganized way, asked my beta to help me prep a lot in advance. And my beta, who cares significantly less than I do about fanfiction fandom culture and all of this stuff, was so wonderful about helping me and being my rock. And just being KIND.
But that's just the context, the build up to AstoriaFest.
So...that summer my beta went to the hospital and got really, really ill.
Now, really life always takes precedence, ALWAYS. My wonderful wonderful beta is thankfully a lot better now and under medical supervision and I only panic about them whenever they don't reply to texts like half the time now.
But, for good reason, my rock was gone. And the fandom was, if not actively hostile to me, not very welcoming. And I had set such a high bar for myself! I wanted to comment on EVERY FIC in the fest as it was posted. I wanted to highlight the fest on tumblr and dreamwidth, because I like dreamwidth a lot better. And as I said, I wanted a post a DAY for my fest.
And basically, like halfway through August, I just let all the glass balls I was juggling drop on the ground, panicked, and walked away.
And...well. Summer of 2019 isn't the reason I still haven't posted my Torchwood fic from 2012. But I did basically stop participating in fandom because of Summer of 2019. And then I started hell job in 2020, and then the pandemic hit, and I've written, hmmm, probably over 300,000 words of fic in that time. But I've never tried to clean it up or post it. I talked about it a little bit online, and then I stopped even doing that. I lurked, and then I lapsed even on lurking.
This is all a long way to say that...I got hurt, in fandom. It wasn't a big hurt, objectively, but it hit me hard. And I think it's why, as DESPERATE as I am for recognition in fandom (what fic writer isn't??) I'm also pretty scared of being noticed. I haven't reached out to my old fandom friends, even if fluff is exactly the kind of stuff they could like.
Right now it's almost like I'm a fandom of me, my beta, and the really excellent people who encourage me even though they aren't in my fandom at all. And I'm so, so happy for each and every one of you, you have no idea. ♥
So, the fic was my backup for AstoriaFest, a completely failed fest I tried to run. My original idea was to have something posted every day in August 2019, which was the last month Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy was probably alive in the "canon" of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. I also had a one-shot prepared, and I had two rec posts, so the idea was that I had eight backup posts so if someone backed out or failed to post on their day, I could step in.
Two things went super wrong and then I basically just...failed at the fest. And yeah, it's been three years and I haven't gotten back to fix the situation.
First, Cursed Child has actually been a pretty toxic fandom for me. I'm sure Torchwood was toxic for a lot of people, but I had such a wonderful time in that fandom. I met people, I went to Dragon*con, I read some really amaaaaaazing fic and if you knew to avoid the anti-Gwen spaces, it was actually a great fandom to absorb messages about fandom and life; you're responsible for policing your own content, sexy fics can be fun, kinks are more varied than you think and that's okay, stuff like that. But my favorite thing about Torchwood is that it went dark. I mean, so dark. I read some really dark stuff and I found that I kind of enjoyed the darkness of fic sometimes. Not all of it, I have some squicks, but my anxiety was a lot better back then so clicking "back" was not a problem. I loved that fiction could explore all sorts of dark, angsty, miserable stuff. And I LOVED how the fandom was totally fine with the idea that exploring in fic was fine! There were approx. 80000 different varieties of ideas about the Cyberwoman episode. And they were all great. And Torchwood was like, yeah, sure, have fun, it's fic!
And then I got to Cursed Child and I found a fandom that kind of...policed fluffiness?
Like, not everyone in the fandom, obviously. But a lot of the big players on tumblr (I struggle with tumblr, but I just can't manage twitter) were like "no unhappiness only fluff!" And there was a basic insistence on ONLY accepting Albus Potter/Scorpius Malfoy as the main ship. And all of them would have one "headcanon" and it was like there was no space for multiple headcanons. You had ONE vision for these characters, and it had to be happy, and it had to be Scorbus.
And most of all, for me, was that a few fans insisted on this, IDK, ~idea~ that Astoria Malfoy Never Died.
And like, Astoria's death is an important part of the play. It is a cornerstone of Draco's character and a big big part of Scorpius' character. Her death is brought up four times in the play, by my off-the-top-of-my-head count! And there is SO much soft earth for a fandom to dig. What was Astoria like? What did Draco see in her? How was she as a mother? How did she live knowing she was sickly and destined to die young (according to the play!) Who was she as a person outside of her husband and son??
One of the reasons I started the fest was that I wanted to explore that within the context of her death. It's a bit dark, but it doesn't have to be! The fic and art I saved to rec was quite soft! I wanted a variety of submissions, and I wouldn't have rejected anyone for submitting anything that ignored her death, even if it was the point of the fest! I just wanted to encourage more discussion about Astoria, because I felt that discussion around her had sort of....stagnated?
And due to the weird nature of this fandom, where I met people at stage door all the time, I was actually friendly with two "BNFs" on tumblr. Like both of them were mostly fluffy people, but I thought as a minor favor, they might just reblog the announcement post? Or something?
And no, they turned me down. One quite abruptly, one quite kindly. But another person in the fandom, CLEARLY in response to my fest, make the "Drastoria Fest" which was like, let's talk about Draco and Astoria as a couple and pretend she didn't die. It felt like more mandatory fluff. And I can't lie, it hurt, a lot. I asked her why she did it and she was AFFRONTED that I would assume it was a reaction to my fest.
I'm not great at this stuff. I've always been a lurker/one-shot writer in fandom. I've never been good at running things or being part of bigger stuff. I never really let myself allow fandom to be big enough to take time from school/employment, so this was a big big deal for me to try and run a fest. And I wanted so badly for it to be a success. I tried to have my fics ready to go, and I, in my anxious disorganized way, asked my beta to help me prep a lot in advance. And my beta, who cares significantly less than I do about fanfiction fandom culture and all of this stuff, was so wonderful about helping me and being my rock. And just being KIND.
But that's just the context, the build up to AstoriaFest.
So...that summer my beta went to the hospital and got really, really ill.
Now, really life always takes precedence, ALWAYS. My wonderful wonderful beta is thankfully a lot better now and under medical supervision and I only panic about them whenever they don't reply to texts like half the time now.
But, for good reason, my rock was gone. And the fandom was, if not actively hostile to me, not very welcoming. And I had set such a high bar for myself! I wanted to comment on EVERY FIC in the fest as it was posted. I wanted to highlight the fest on tumblr and dreamwidth, because I like dreamwidth a lot better. And as I said, I wanted a post a DAY for my fest.
And basically, like halfway through August, I just let all the glass balls I was juggling drop on the ground, panicked, and walked away.
And...well. Summer of 2019 isn't the reason I still haven't posted my Torchwood fic from 2012. But I did basically stop participating in fandom because of Summer of 2019. And then I started hell job in 2020, and then the pandemic hit, and I've written, hmmm, probably over 300,000 words of fic in that time. But I've never tried to clean it up or post it. I talked about it a little bit online, and then I stopped even doing that. I lurked, and then I lapsed even on lurking.
This is all a long way to say that...I got hurt, in fandom. It wasn't a big hurt, objectively, but it hit me hard. And I think it's why, as DESPERATE as I am for recognition in fandom (what fic writer isn't??) I'm also pretty scared of being noticed. I haven't reached out to my old fandom friends, even if fluff is exactly the kind of stuff they could like.
Right now it's almost like I'm a fandom of me, my beta, and the really excellent people who encourage me even though they aren't in my fandom at all. And I'm so, so happy for each and every one of you, you have no idea. ♥